Cats

Why were cats ever created?


They are an inferior breed of animals compared to dogs. Now dogs...what you don't know about life from watching dogs, you don't need to know.


Cats on the other hand...they are unfriendly, they cough up furballs, they spit and hiss at you, they look nasty (why are cats associated with witches, I ask you?!!), they are stupid (who would believe that they are bigger than they are just because of their raised hackles?) and they wash themselves (we all know that dogs have proper baths).

After all, the saying is that "dogs are man's best friend"...whoever heard of cats being man's friend, let alone 'best friend'?

And all things negative are associated with cats. You know, old spinsters who live alone usually have about 100 cats with them. And that makes them strange. And you know those stories about people whose lives are saved by their pets? When was the last time you read/heard about someone whose CAT saved them?!!

I mean, how many times have I tried to make friends with cats I ask you? I approach them slowly, so that they don't get startled. I don't growl or make a noise. I don't show them my teeth. I don't even sniff them from afar. And what do they do? Do they extend a friendly paw? NO! They get their hackles all raised up. They bare their fangs. They hiss at you. Then they either scratch you or jump at your face or they run away. How many of these actions can be remotely defined as friendly? NONE!

And all this nonsense about independent spirits and wandering about at night! Whatever for? Do dogs wander about at night and bring home a dead rat or two? Don't be silly. We dogs want to curl up in our beds (or if you're one of the lucky ones like me, the sofa) in the warmth and company of our humans. Wander at night on our own? What would be the point? Only those poor orphan dogs who don't have humans wander about at night on their own. And they are to be pitied! Not admired for freedom or "independent spirits"...

Have you smelled the stuff that cats eat? Mine usually smells of red and pink foods - chicken or beef or lamb. Dad always says that my food smells good enough for him to eat. Cats eat fish! I mean, fish! FISH! Look at what it says on their cat food tins! Pssshttt! Fish...they stink and have no consistency (refer to previous blog on food). That makes it 'not real food'...and anything that eats 'not real food' is a waste of time.

So all you humans out there who think that you may want a cat for a pet...trust me, dogs are better! Just ask any dog!

Important things in life

What's important in life? I tell you what's important. Food and love...in that order! No wait, maybe it's love first, then food...coz if someone loves you, then they'll feed you right? Yeah, so that's what's important in life - Love and Food!

What is love? I tell you what love is.

Love is...when dad and mum are home with me.

Love is...when I get to curl up on the sofa with dad or mum, or both of them.

Love is...when I get a fresh bowl of food every night...oh wait, that's food. Sorry!

Love is...when dad and mum get home at night.

Love is...the feel of grass under your feet after being cooped up in the house all day.

Love is...wallowing on your back on grass. Or sand, if I'm at the beach.

Love is...jumping into the sea to chase the frisbee (have I mentioned that I've got a new one?!)

Love is...playing catch with dad at home.

Love is...seeing dad first thing in the morning.

Love is...falling asleep on dad's lap. Or mum's lap.

Love is...curling up in my bed every night after dinner, when mum and dad are watching telly.

Love is...a bit of chocolate and ice-cream...oh wait, that's food again! Sorry...

Nothing else is more important than food...I mean, love! Love is the most important. I love dad and mum. Mum always says that dad's my favourite - but he's loved me the longest. And I know that she knows that it's true. But I try not to make it too obvious...! I mean, I love mum as well...but dad's the real softie, he plays with me more, and he doesn't scold me as much as she does. So you can't blame me for playing favourites right?

Now food...what can I say about food?

Food is one of the luxuries in life. I never turn down food...especially human food. I mean, what's this distinction about human food and dog food? As far as I'm concerned, all food is created equal. If I can eat human food, then obviously it's not human food right? It's just food!

What do I love about food?

Food tastes great! I love chocolates and ice-cream, I love yoghurt, I love meat and rice. But you know what? If there's one thing that I can't stand...it's vegetables. Now what's all that about? They don't taste of anything...most of the time, they actually taste bitter, so that's gross. And there's no real 'consistency' to vegetables is there? Sometimes they're crunchy, sometimes they're soft, and they're never chewy. You can't chase it (like a ball), you can't throw it about (like biscuits) and you can't pick it up with your paws and chew at it (like bones).

And the colour! I mean, green! Who wants to eat green stuff? All food should be red or pink or brown...like meat and biscuits. Green food is just disgusting. If I wanted green food, I'll just go and eat grass at the gardens. And I already do that anyway! I don't need green stuff in a bowl. It grows on the ground. That's a cop out, vegetables...pish!

If I ruled the world, all food will be red or pink or brown, has to be crunchy (like biscuits), or chewy (like meat), has to be sweet (like chocolate) or salty (like meat), has to be cold (like ice-cream) or at least room temperature. I could teach humans a thing or two about food!